Emotional Hangovers

I just woke up from a depression nap. I crashed on the couch at 11:30 thinking I would take a power nap and woke up at 3. My head is still foggy and I'm drained, but darned if I'm going to let it win this time.

It's been an ugly few months. I tried not to throw things out in the Internet world. I'm proud that he didn't either—at least until he changed his relationship status on Facebook before he actually officially broke it off with me. The fact that I wasn't even important enough to be informed first kind of hurt, but in the grand scheme of things, I can let that slide.

He asked if I was relieved it was over. Yes, and no. I invested a lot in this relationship, but I will never be good enough for him. Too many signs say he doesn't care enough about me to prompt me to try to prolong this investment any further. Sometimes it's best to cash out and move on.

He told me that he sees me moving in with someone else and doing what I want until they kick me out. All that did was irritate me. I didn't get angry, which is a big step for me. A year ago, he may have pegged me right. A year ago we were happy—back when I was the person he thinks I am now.

I plan to NOT live with anyone else for a long time. I've grown so much, but I have so much road to travel yet, it wouldn't be fair to add another person. Over the last three months, I have found the mom in me that was so lacking. I've made an effort to eat meals with them, to go do things with them, to keep up with their grades at the school. I volunteer at their school, even though it isn't always in their classrooms, and I've decided to step up and take a broader role in making my presence known in their lives.

This morning I attended the Muffins for Moms for the 7/8th grade students. I didn't interact much with the other moms (it's hard to push into the circles when many of them have spent years together in social activities involving their kids), but I had a great time with T-man. The book fair was going on also, so we wandered through that and I bought each of the boys a book. T helped pick one out for D, and I am actually proud that T showed an interest in something when I was around.

I also got to go to first hour with him. First hour turns out to be reading class. Perfect. He aced his quiz on The Outsiders and his teacher told me he is doing fantastic. T shared a lot with me today at the school. I know my time and attention is important to him. D is the same way. THAT is where I want to focus my attentions. I don't need someone in my life. I don't need to feel inadequate, or miserable, or fight to prove myself and fail constantly. I've done enough of that with my kids, and I NEED to make these next years with them the best, most memorable, that I can.

I've started hard core job search, and I am trying to find another place to live. The latter is difficult and hinges on the first, at least for the area I would like to remain in until my boys graduate high school.

My counselor told me I amaze her. She said she doesn't know how I do it all—school, work, kids, and self-improvement—but that I'm a strong person and can do anything I want to do. My best friend tells me the same thing.

And do you know what? I believe them. I know that, from the inside out. I will meet my goals, I will be the person I want to be with the habits and hobbies I want to have. And I will have a good relationship with my kids and the other people I choose to allow into my life.

Life is about embracing the little things, the important people, and seizing every opportunity to better ourselves. That is my goal for the next ten years. Watch me grow. Watch me fly. Watch me live!

Take that, emotional hangover!