Hammer Another Nail into the Family Coffin

Mid June I loaded my kids into the car and stuffed what would fit around them and drove almost 1,900 miles to start a new life. It was a long drive, and the most excited thing I've ever done. For the first time I felt at peace, a little nervous, but truly at peace.

My entire life has been spent trying to be perfect, failing miserably, and second-guessing myself every step of the way. I didn't realize just how much that had changed until yesterday.

Talking to my parents is still a rough task, but it's few and far between for phone conversations now, and I'm honestly okay with that. But they aren't what opened my eyes this time.

My sister recently invited me to be her friend on facebook.

Despite my misgivings and doubts, I accepted.

That right there was mistake number one. I'm not ready to deal with my issues with my family. Not. Ready. At. All.

I kept up with her feed. Mistake number two. I understand that my family has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. But...there is a point where humor becomes something else. It's taken me a long time to realize how badly my defense mechanisms hurt other people. And by defense mechanisms in this case I mean humor. It's never intentional, it's always someone else's fault, it's always meant as a joke. But it really isn't. It really isn't, and even if it was, it still hurts.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a somewhat dry sense of humor. But I'm learning how to make that a positive thing. Honestly, I doubt I'll ever be done growing and relearning all those horrible tendencies that are instilled in me so deep I'm not even sure where to start digging, but I'm trying.

Anyway, apparently she made a comment that was meant as a dry humor comment. What people forget, is that dry humor doesn't really come across on the internet. On the internet, we get flat words. Black and white, no sound, no gestures, just words. So, I took those words at face value.

And that is when I made mistake number three.

I opened my big, fat mouth. Some people never listen. Some people never accept responsibility for anything they do. Some people will always place blame, and then accuse the person they place the blame on of placing the blame on them. This is how I was raised, no, this was how all us kids were raised.

I envy my brother. I envy him, but I respect him. He had the courage to do what I couldn't do. He walked away from that. And for that I admire him. So...when my sister said something about him, it made me mad, but then she threw in his girlfriend and her kids. These are people she doesn't know. These are people she judged before she gave them a chance. These are good people I have never met but who put a smile on my brother's face and a light in his eyes. I've seen him happy in pictures. My brother. Happy.

And that was when I snapped.

Picking on him, putting him down in the privacy of messaging or home is one thing. But on a PUBLIC facebook profile? The entire world doesn't need access to my family's dysfunction. (Hello world! *waves*)

Needless to say, after my comment she posted that she was mad at me. Okay, fine, no big deal. What else is new? Someone is always mad at someone else in my family. Whoop-dee-doo.

Someone commented and asked what I did now. What? I've been in Dorothyland for 9 months. What did I do now? Okay. *shrug* I could have let that go, too. But...

My sister responded that I'd played judge, jury, and executioner. Do what? I did what? Why yes, yes it was me who said that my brother loved his girlfriend more than me. It was me who said that I was more important than his happiness and his life. It was me who said that I was mad at my sis, and all on a public internet profile. Yep, that was all me. Wait a minute. No, it wasn't. So how did I play judge and jury, and who or what did I execute?

It was at that point I truly did execute something. I executed our friend status. I beheaded that puppy with a swiftness. But it didn't end there. She sent me a nasty gram. In my opinion, family shouldn't attack each other. They shouldn't drag dirty laundry out in public. They shouldn't...well... they should do a lot of things my family does. Anyway, I responded that I wasn't offended, was working on things, wished her well, and blocked her.

Why? Why would I go so far as to block her?


Well, for nine months I've worked hard, tried hard, gone out of my comfort zone over and over to work at bettering myself. For nine months I've done a fantastic job. And then I accepted her request.

For the past two days, I've made my beautiful boyfriend miserable. I've made him suffer my moods, my breakdowns, my lapse in the self-confidence that took the last nine months to build. My kids have suffered. I have suffered. I have cried, felt exhausted and been depressed.

I won't deal with it any more. I refuse. I shouldn't have to. I'm honestly and truly trying to grow, and I gave a chance to someone for whom I keep hanging onto that thread of hope. But I need to learn that she is who she is and just let it go. She has my parents when she wants them. She has her son. She doesn't need me.

I don't like emotional games. I don't do well when I have to deal with them in my personal life. I've been involved in way too many.

So, for now, I no longer have a sister. It hurts to say that, it breaks my heart. I feel like crying again, but I won't. I've grown in strength, grown in appreciation for the good in my life, and I won't let the negative drag me back down.

Maybe someday I'll be able to have a relationship with my blood family, maybe not. But either way, I'm going to spend the rest of my days being happy, no matter what life brings me.