New Year's Desolutions and A Fresh Start. Uhhhh, riiiiiiiiiiight.

What is it about the new year that makes people believe in the magic of that ball dropping at midnight and giving them something to look forward to?

What makes people think that THIS coming year will be any better than the last?

Is it all conditioning, a marketing ploy to get us to go out and buy the latest thing to "help lose weight", "get more organized", or "get out of debt" because the holidays have pretty much maxed out the populous?

Whatever it is, people do it, every year, without fail and without serious thought. What is it that makes that one particular day special? We don't pay taxes that day. School doesn't let out that day. Life doesn't just magically reset that day, either.

Honestly, I don't care about the reason. For me, rarely has the New Year been a beautiful time of rejuvenation and starting over. In fact, most years it has been a depressing show of what I don't have, what I will never have, a time to wallow in the misery that was the year before.

And resolutions? Right. What are those about? Hey, I resolve to do this, this, and that. Poof. It magically happens, right? Nope. And because year after year, most people fail at their resolutions, I started calling them desolutions. Pretty much, right from the start, people set themselves up for the same misery the following year. I've seen it already, on Facebook, in life, pretty much everywhere I go. "I'm going to do such and such this year", "This year will be better. Last year sucked." Really? And why did it suck? How is it going to be better? Is Baby New Year going to wave a magic wand and send cupid to your doorstep for Valentine's Day, or a million dollar check to your mailbox on your birthday? Or send the liposuction fairy to your bed while you dream so you can wake up with those six pack abs, or runway model legs?

To be frank, the answer is no. No. No. No. No. No.

So, I don't make resolutions. I don't just claim the New Year as a fresh start.

How many of you out there have a five year plan? I don't. I have an idea of where I want to be, but up until now, I just went through the motions. Mind you, I made goals, but they were all short term. And there is nothing wrong with short term goals. They are like those rungs on a ladder that get you to where you want to be.

But this year, this year is different for me. I planned last year, made goals, found a team mate and lover and friend all rolled into one that gives me hope that I can make it to that place I want to be in five years. I haven't changed for him, but with his help.

And so, this year, I'm not making desolutions or resolutions or a fresh start. Because I did that mid year this past year. I didn't need a set day. Pshaw on the New Year Fresh Start ideal. Any time is a good time for a new beginning.

What I am doing this year is setting goals for this year. Why at New Years? Because that gives me a reference point. New Years shouldn't be about looking back with regrets, or merely hoping for better in the future. It should be a jumping off point for renewed goals and a redefining of plans, if anything.

So this year, my goals are:

1. Keep my 4.0 (Or at least try my hardest to do so. I won't be too angry if I don't so long as I try.
2. Help my kids adapt better to living in KS. They've done pretty good so far, but have had a hard time making friends because we haven't invited any over. So, I want to give them birthday parties, even if they are at a park somewhere, and help them have a life outside of just school and home, something I never really had.
3. Write AND sub more stories. Be supportive of the hunny in his efforts to motivate me, and be less of a discouragement to him just because I get discouraged. I'm sure I wasted many of his valuable writing hours because I was being a whiny baby about things that were just excuses as to why "I can't right now."

That's it. I'm not going to overload myself with a bazillion little things. I'm going to strive to do what I need to in little ways to make this happen. One major thing and two supporting goals are quite enough to get me through the year. And when I finish schooling, I'll set new goals. I'll make new decisions. But no matter what, I won't look back with regrets.

And if something should change mid year... well...I'll jump that hurdle when I get there.

How does a perfectionist edit?

Looking back at the last couple of posts has been a bit depressing. So, I figured I'd brighten it up a bit and explain my own personal editing strategy. This should clarify a bit the reason I get a little, uh, testy? when I see people who don't bother editing before submitting. And by not editing, I mean missing a step as simple as my editing phase one.

So, without further ado, I give you my own personal four step editing process.

Step 1: SPELL CHECK. Now, while spell check doesn't catch all errors, like simple typos when the typos are actual words (her instead of here), it does catch more than people realize. But, all in all, I'm amazed when I see the amount of mistakes that a simple click and change can easily fix.

Step 2: HARD COPY EDITS. I hate staring at a screen to edit. It feels so formal and intangible. So, I tend to print out my manuscripts (yes, I know, waste of paper and ink...but hold on, let me finish before you go all save the planet on me). I print my pages single spaced, front and back, ink saver, and on lesser quality paper. This way, I read through, I mark up, and I tweak my content. I consider this my content editing stage because it's where I focus on the characters and plot and details that are vital to good story telling.

Step 3: TRANSFERENCE. Yes, I do have to go through and input my hard copy edits. Waste of time, you say? I call bull to that. For me, entering them gives me that second pass. I get to not only make sure that my content works as edited, I also watch for grammar, spelling, and other technical errors. This allows me to catch errors I would have missed had I bypassed the hard copy stage and gone straight to e-format editing.

Step 4: READ ALOUD. Yes, really. I do read my stories aloud to myself. Chapter by chapter. Page by page. It's amazing how many errors fly by when you go through your pages without the narration. My characters are dancing in my head, they talk to me, they show me what they are doing, and I've already transcribed it to print format. Unfortunately, sometimes when I watch the performance more than once, I miss things because I stopped seeing the words. Reading the story aloud allows my mind to slow down and hear how things flow. My eyes move faster than my mouth, so I consider this an integral part of catching simple things I would normally miss, such as that her to here issue I mentioned in step 1.

There you have it. My editing in a nutshell. I'm nothing but thorough.

I will guarantee, however, that no matter how thorough I am, I still miss things. But I sure do miss a lot less than if I write it out and call it done and leave a lot of work to the underpaid and under-appreciated editors who work behind the scenes to help my story be the best that it can be.

Right now, I'm on step 2 of Chapter 14 of a 20 chapter story. I want it done and submitted before the end of the month. Think I can do it?

I sure hope so!

Am I really published?

I don't like to stir up trouble. Nope. Not one bit. But, I've been a part of something that has been, of itself, a huge battlefield.

I haven't really been involved. In fact, I think I made one comment on the lack of professionalism all around.

What gets my goat, if I had a goat at this point anyway, is that for the longest time I wanted to be a published author. I wanted to write something great and put it out there for the world to read. Yeah, I know, me and a million other people out there.

I haven't had many dreams. Four, to be exact. I wanted to find a good job, writing preferable, and then buy a house, get married, and have kids. Right. That went exactly according to plan. What happened was, I got married, had a son, got divorced, had another son, lived in a couple houses that weren't mine, and finally found a few places to publish my stories.

I could probably count on both hands how many books with my stories in them have sold. Yeah, I'm such a good promoter. Seriously, I am terrible at shameless self promotion. I didn't believe too much in myself, and then I sold a few short stories. Made exactly $2 and change on those, woo hoo. No big loss, I suppose, I actually got paid.

But then I sold my larger story. I was PSYCHED! I was ECSTATIC! FINALLY! The only dream I had that wasn't yet tainted.

Yes, you do see it coming like a bad horror story. It is tainted. And just like a bad horror story, I don't care. I know where it's going, what's going to happen, and how it's going to end. And it will end badly, be a flop, and serve up a final anticlimactic finale that ruins that dream too.

I waited, and watched, and considered complaining about royalties and statements like others were. Some, it seems, are getting paid, and others, like myself, aren't. Those who aren't getting paid are the "complainers" and those who "don't promote". Yeah, like I said, I can't sell a book to save my life apparently.

I've read excuse after excuse. From sick family members, to not enough time, to a death in the family, to contract speak about so much time from the end of the period to get them out. Fine. So be it. No worries. Everyone has a personal life and can sympathize to a point, once in a while. But this is not a once in a while thing.

Since I've been there, and my book has been out almost a year, I've gotten maybe two statements. I know of one for a fact, after the trouble that the publisher went through to get me that one, I just stopped looking for them. I stopped reading the complaints. I saw enough of the bad publicity that I lost faith, not just in the company that boosted my dreams, that made me feel that the one unsoiled vision of my future could really be a reality, but in myself. Another stupid mistake on my part, another bad decision, another jumping the gun because I wanted it so bad I refused to be patient and instead settled for "the next best thing." Just a quick note, DON'T DO THAT!

I'm just not cut out to be a real writer. I am not a promoter of self. I am not a big fan of shoving my stories down someone's throat, or stepping on toes, or coming up with a gimmick. I just wanted to write, just wanted to live one of my dreams without screwing it up, just wanted to be happy.

Well, I've given up on that publisher. I've stopped waiting for statements that will say I sold no books, or maybe one book, or who knows, but not even the minimum to get a check. I no longer give a crap. I've written that story off because I just don't have the fight in me right now to find a way out of a contract I've lived up to but has been pushed back and pushed back on the other end. You win, publisher. You get the story that was written with blood and tears, from the heart, about my heart and that of my son. But you don't care. You are in it for the money. You are in it for you. You can't tell me otherwise, because any entrepreneur who gives a lick about their company will find someone they trust to help run it when personal life gets in the way. A good company is self-sufficient, has a web of safety net finances and associates so that everything comes together and one bad quarter is shrugged off by those who have busted ass working for a mere penny or two. A good company follows through on more than just their threats, to ALL their clients, because they believe in the company and what they do and know that without those who gave input, there would be no company.

I won't get a paycheck. I won't get involved in the battle. And I am NOT a one hit wonder. I loved that story. But I can write more, get published other places, do my research this time IN DEPTH before jumping in all excited like.

I guess I'm writing this because I want my spark back. I feel it glowing in there. So if I toss aside this one piece and I put my everything into and start over like it never happened, maybe I can have my dream back. It will never be the same dream, not at all, because in the other areas of my life, the ones I felt I failed my dreams in, I've found that dreams can change, dreams can come true in ways I never imagined. And those are the best dreams of all.

I want to live my dreams. I want to make new ones.

And so that is what I'm going to do.

Goodbye my story, goodbye my past. The future burns bright, and this time I'll build a firm foundation in a place that won't erode like the proverbial house on the sand.

And with that being said, I have ten days to get this manuscript properly edited, everything formatted properly, a bio written to go along with it, and all of it subbed before the submissions close at a certain place. Then, I wait. And...if I get a rejection there, I have a second place in mind as a potential home.

They say home is where the heart is, and my heart is finally home!

Want some candy, little boy?

For those of you who haven't noticed, I'm very particular about issues pertaining to children.

I'm a fairly open person, I don't judge others based on their lifestyle or choices that may differ from mine, and I believe in the philosophy of live and let live.

HOWEVER...

As open as I am with my children, I will not put them in a place where they will be subjected or associated with adult content. When I sign up for places online, such as groups and social networking sites, I do so with certain expectations in mind. If you have a personal space, a MySpace page or a Facebook account or even a blog, great. I expect to see updates about your kids and your hobbies and other everyday pursuits. Fantastic, love to keep up with that. If you indulge in a bit of adult content in other avenues, or alternate profiles, and I choose to follow those, great, more power to you.

BUT...

I will not tolerate being subjected to borderline adult content on the same venue that I'm updated about family matters involving children. To me, that openly invites those out there who hunt down adult content in any form, the right to view the children in the same titillating manner. By subjecting me to that type of content unsolicited and unwarned, not only will I hide or delete any updates on your personal site, I will also no longer support any other avenues you may promote. To me, letting seductive adult images and pictures of children share the same space is a HUGE no-no. PERIOD.

I believe in raising my boys (now pre-teens who will be getting into the T&A scene soon enough, thank you very much) to respect women for more than just their bodies. And when I limit my browsing and reading of updates to certain sites during certain times in order to give that respect time to sink in before their raging hormones kick in, and that trust of content is violated, something has to go...

And it certainly isn't going to be my boys!

Getting animated for child abuse? Do what now?

Cartoons have taken over Facebook...

Why have little comic faces appeared as people's avatars on the ever popular social network site?

Supposedly to help fight child abuse.

How? I don't rightly know. Probably the same way stating the color of your bra, or where you put your purse helped support breast cancer.

Really, people, if you want to do something about child abuse, listen to kids when they talk. Listen to their body language, watch for the signs, and then do something about it.

I'm all too aware of the signs. I really wish I wasn't. I've been the victim of a victim. And while I won't go into detail, I will say that when things happen to children, especially in households where "such things don't happen and shouldn't be talked about" it affects them well into adulthood. I walked away from my marriage for this very reason the first time he laid a hand on my son. Personal experience has shown me that people who have been abused tend to subconsciously search out those kinds of relationships, or become bullies themselves. And that wasn't something I wanted for my child.

Only recently have I come to accept that my past has affected every relationship I've been in. Only recently did I come to realize that the blame for failed relationships was not entirely someone else's. I've played the victim my entire life, and for most people, dealing with that gets old real quick. It may have kept me safe emotionally, but it left me empty and unhappy.

I'm now in a beautiful relationship that came about through a slow growing process in which we proved ourselves to each other. In a way, my flaws and faults and failures have been a twisted sort of blessing. My better half is patient and caring, and I hate when I hurt him. And I do hurt him. I hurt him because it's what I know. I've always done that. And the sad thing is I understand that now, and I know why, and I still slip continually into that trend. Why? Because I tune out myself and react on instinct. I fight potential pain by inflicting pain of my own. My pain isn't physical, it's emotional. My hunny knows this about me. He accepts this part of me, but also calls me on my bullshit, and because he gives himself to me in such a way as no one else has, allowing me to be myself but also forcing me to face up to my issues, I find myself fighting my trends. I catch myself, I stop myself, but I still sometimes slip, and probably always will. We both know this, we both accept this, but it also makes me more determined to try my hardest to control that reflex. He knows my weaknesses, my pain, and yet, he doesn't exploit these, but respects them.

Child abuse is not a cartoon. Child abuse is not fun. Child abuse begets more abuse. Child abuse is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly. Posting a cartoon is not a way of dealing with it, it is a way of easing the conscience for not following what others are doing.

To those of you on facebook who changed your images to cartoons you loved as a kid, I changed mine to one that was ruined as a kid. I loved that cartoon. It was the thing I looked forward to most when I came home from school. My cousin was a victim. She made me a victim as well. She not only stole my innocence, but also some of the best things in my life. But it wasn't just me who suffered. I lived the abuse in silence along with two other young girls. So, tell me again, how does changing an avatar to something fun make things better for those who deal with pain day after day?

It isn't my intention to bash on people for having fun. But really, if you want to have fun with cartoons and memories, just have fun with cartoons and memories. If you want to fight to save the life and sanity of an innocent child, then get out there and do something about it. Sometimes all it takes is knowing someone is watching...

Be that someone.