I don’t like to get into it about religion, and try not to with politics either, but today I’ll make an exception.
I’ve dealt with guilt my whole life. Guilt that I was going to make a mistake. Guilt that I wasn’t doing enough for God. Guilt for being me. I’ve lived with it, let it rule my life, loathed myself.
I developed a horrible habit right around the time I got baptized into said religion. Mind you I was raised that way, but right about the time I started believing it wasn’t for me, I was nudged into affirming my faith. It was right around that time I started picking at myself. I’ve had the scars pointed out to me, been asked if I use drugs, been hotter than hell in long sleeved shirts because of shame. I was ashamed of who I was, of what I was—of ME.
I keep saying I need to step away from my parents. And yet, I’ve crawled back to them, time and time again. And every time—every time—I’ve been made to feel like shit for my decisions. “We didn’t raise you that way.” “We screwed up somehow.” Not once have I heard, “You’ve made some bad decisions but we love you for who you are and always will.”
My mom called the other day and wanted to see the boys. Now, last February my sister had a baby out of wedlock and her boyfriend at the time was not the father. But, she’s been going to the church, and she’s been studying the Bible with one of the ladies in the church. So, she takes priority.
Yes, I milked that for a while myself. Parents are suckers for their kids. In my family, if you want something, you try to be in their faith. I went to the gatherings, and I went through the motions, but inevitably I screwed up again. I’ve made every effort to pay them back anything they loaned me, to work in their yard, help remodel their bathroom, try not to hold my screwed up state against them because really, I could have walked away at any time.
But I didn’t.
Recently I’ve made some good friends. I’ve grown to love who I am, even the parts that may be just a little screwed up in the common view. And I broke the picking habit I have had for over 20 years.
So today, when I called my mom and she said she was tired and that she didn’t feel like going out to come get the boys because she already had to take my sister to work and they had church and yadda yadda. I said, "I don’t need the excuses, just call me tomorrow and if it works out it works out if not... Oh well, you’ll still have my sister."
And it hurt. It really hurt.
So, for the second time since I moved out, I went for a vent walk.
I hadn’t got very far when I realized I’m tired of crawling. I’m tired of begging. I’m tired of playing second fiddle because I’m not the one making an effort to serve their god.
If God really loves people, why is it he makes us one way then expects us to act another? Why would an artist so great create a masterpiece then hide it beneath a mask that looks like everything else? How many masterpieces are out that that have been watercolored over until they no longer have any unique and original qualities?
And I realized I don’t want to compete with their religion. I shouldn’t have to. I WON’T do it.
They don’t know where I live. All they have is my number. My cell number.
And instead of crying over it, instead of allowing myself to feel like crap yet again, instead of making my boys feel like this is their fault every damn time this happens, because no matter what I say or how I explain, that is how they feel...
I changed my number.
I’m done.
So... Mom, Dad...I hope you, my sister, the kid she is using your religion to get you to take care of for her, and your God are all very happy together.
Because, for the first time in my life…
I feel truly beautiful.
Dec 30, 2009
Dec 11, 2009
Holiday Greedings.
As a result of people joking about Christmas and the holiday season, and those whom I've seen get all defensive, I felt obligated... er... inspired to post my views and ideals about the holidays.
Many who know me know I grew up without holidays. Most also know that I can take them or leave them now.
Those people also know I have three principals I follow in life.
1) Respect yourself.
2) Show respect for people and animals.
3) Without these two things life is empty.
I don't NOT believe in a higher power. I also don't feel I have the right, the mind, the... faith? to paint a proper picture of who/what he/she is if indeed it is a who/what he/she. Call me a non believer, call me sacrilegious, heathen, slanderer. Call me what you will, in this post, it doesn't really matter. That is a different topic all together. But... if you have stopped reading at this point, you do NOT have the spirit that Jesus demonstrated. Jesus ate with harlots, healed lepers, and showed kindness to outsiders of the nation he was born into. He broke bread with thousands, shared his wisdom, whatever words those happened to be, and even forgave a sinner with a good heart who hung beside him.
I've had my share of biblical learning, and although I may not be fanatic, I may not even touch the book nowadays, I do know that the basic principals within are simple. Be kind and forgive.
Some of us deal with the holidays by joking. Mainly because it has become a joke. What does Santa and gift giving have to do with Jesus? Why should the birth of Jesus be so serious that it has to be depressing? What is the true meaning of Christmas?
I don't want the answer. I don't WANT 23 comments on what Christmas is. Because every one of them will be different. And that right there is my point.
The holidays are individual. It may be claimed that they are organized and celebrated by groups and such, but really, one person may hold it as a holy day, another may consider it the time of year to milk those gift givers of everything they have to give.
I see it all around me. People out looking for that perfect gift, always trying to outdo "Aunt Bottalot" and "Uncle Koolcat" never quite acheiving it to their satisfaction. Kids waking up on Christmas morning complaining because they wanted that brand new Wii game and all they got was last months version. People at shelters feeding the homeless so they can chalk one up with old heavenly father getting one foot into heaven, so to speak. And people who receive the charity and generosity? Even those can be heard saying things like, "this is the driest turkey I've ever had, even mom didn't screw up this bad" and "socks and gloves? What about a hat and another coat, and maybe a place to live for a few months?" Really, does any of this show the Christmas spirit?
And what about those who try to keep it festive, who make a huge deal out of it? I'm sure Mary and Joseph had a feast in their warm house, with all their friends and family and shared stories and laughter and ate until they were fat and full before giving gifts until there was nothing more to give. *shakes head*
In my mind, Christmas is not about any of that. It is about sharing and giving and loving. It is about showing appreciation for the things and people in your life, no matter how little or how much. What it isn't about is big boxes with bows, lights and outdoing the neighbors, gorging on meals designed to give heart attacks, and making yourself miserable planning the things. Christmas, and all holidays for that matter, are about taking time out for the little things, the things that are neglected every other day of the year, of keeping things simple, letting go, reminiscing and sharing your life with others, and partaking in theirs.
Why does everything have to be commercial? Why does it have to be super serious? If you truly believe it's the birth of Christ, or even if you don't and it's merely symbolic, think about how his family celebrated. I'm sure Mary held him close, miracle baby or not, because as most mothers out there know, the birth of a child is a beautiful thing.
This holiday, think about why you celebrate, think about why you give, let go of the expectations and allow life to touch your heart, your soul. Me, I'll be spending the holidays the same way I do every other day. I'll be embracing my boys, laughing and playing, and giving them what matters most, the warmth of my heart. I am blessed to have two wonderful angels with whom I share my life, and a few others who have entered recently who I hold near and dear no matter what the distance, who I'll be with in spirit.
I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas, no matter how or if you celebrate it, because in these depressingly dark winter months, the best kind of peace comes from sharing oneself with others.
Many who know me know I grew up without holidays. Most also know that I can take them or leave them now.
Those people also know I have three principals I follow in life.
1) Respect yourself.
2) Show respect for people and animals.
3) Without these two things life is empty.
I don't NOT believe in a higher power. I also don't feel I have the right, the mind, the... faith? to paint a proper picture of who/what he/she is if indeed it is a who/what he/she. Call me a non believer, call me sacrilegious, heathen, slanderer. Call me what you will, in this post, it doesn't really matter. That is a different topic all together. But... if you have stopped reading at this point, you do NOT have the spirit that Jesus demonstrated. Jesus ate with harlots, healed lepers, and showed kindness to outsiders of the nation he was born into. He broke bread with thousands, shared his wisdom, whatever words those happened to be, and even forgave a sinner with a good heart who hung beside him.
I've had my share of biblical learning, and although I may not be fanatic, I may not even touch the book nowadays, I do know that the basic principals within are simple. Be kind and forgive.
Some of us deal with the holidays by joking. Mainly because it has become a joke. What does Santa and gift giving have to do with Jesus? Why should the birth of Jesus be so serious that it has to be depressing? What is the true meaning of Christmas?
I don't want the answer. I don't WANT 23 comments on what Christmas is. Because every one of them will be different. And that right there is my point.
The holidays are individual. It may be claimed that they are organized and celebrated by groups and such, but really, one person may hold it as a holy day, another may consider it the time of year to milk those gift givers of everything they have to give.
I see it all around me. People out looking for that perfect gift, always trying to outdo "Aunt Bottalot" and "Uncle Koolcat" never quite acheiving it to their satisfaction. Kids waking up on Christmas morning complaining because they wanted that brand new Wii game and all they got was last months version. People at shelters feeding the homeless so they can chalk one up with old heavenly father getting one foot into heaven, so to speak. And people who receive the charity and generosity? Even those can be heard saying things like, "this is the driest turkey I've ever had, even mom didn't screw up this bad" and "socks and gloves? What about a hat and another coat, and maybe a place to live for a few months?" Really, does any of this show the Christmas spirit?
And what about those who try to keep it festive, who make a huge deal out of it? I'm sure Mary and Joseph had a feast in their warm house, with all their friends and family and shared stories and laughter and ate until they were fat and full before giving gifts until there was nothing more to give. *shakes head*
In my mind, Christmas is not about any of that. It is about sharing and giving and loving. It is about showing appreciation for the things and people in your life, no matter how little or how much. What it isn't about is big boxes with bows, lights and outdoing the neighbors, gorging on meals designed to give heart attacks, and making yourself miserable planning the things. Christmas, and all holidays for that matter, are about taking time out for the little things, the things that are neglected every other day of the year, of keeping things simple, letting go, reminiscing and sharing your life with others, and partaking in theirs.
Why does everything have to be commercial? Why does it have to be super serious? If you truly believe it's the birth of Christ, or even if you don't and it's merely symbolic, think about how his family celebrated. I'm sure Mary held him close, miracle baby or not, because as most mothers out there know, the birth of a child is a beautiful thing.
This holiday, think about why you celebrate, think about why you give, let go of the expectations and allow life to touch your heart, your soul. Me, I'll be spending the holidays the same way I do every other day. I'll be embracing my boys, laughing and playing, and giving them what matters most, the warmth of my heart. I am blessed to have two wonderful angels with whom I share my life, and a few others who have entered recently who I hold near and dear no matter what the distance, who I'll be with in spirit.
I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas, no matter how or if you celebrate it, because in these depressingly dark winter months, the best kind of peace comes from sharing oneself with others.
